Until the Sun Rises....

The last Title for the blog was prophetic

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 18:13:19 GMT

Let it all go.

I won't always love what I'll never have...

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 03:57:42 GMT

This one is a bit random, please bear with me, I am trying to find interesting things to talk about on my blog that are not completely boring....my shuffle on my iTunes caught me off guard with this one. Its those songs that really make you feel deeply, that you relate to a certain time, place, or person and transport you instantly into that moment that catch you by surprise when your shuffle sabotages you. Well, that kind of happened to me. Watch me really kind of get lost in that moment on video!!! Exciting No?!? I will write a text entry soon a lil less random about the events in Iran. I like a little depth to these things from time to time. <3 ya!!!

One Year Anniversary!!

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 05:08:09 GMT

So, as of today I have been writing in this journal for a year. Its amazing although I am not as consistent as I would like to be writing in here, I have managed to write for a whole year without quitting. I am pretty pleased by that. It seems like the year has flown by, I just wrote this quick post to commemorate the year in journaling. I will write up an actual post within the next couple of days. I have some stuff to notate and such. LOL
Happy Anniversary to me!!!

Tidal Shifts and Restlessness

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 03:36:56 GMT

Today has felt so slow and drawn out. The moon is full and I feel the pull in my marrow, and the surging of my blood to the tidal forces imposed by it. I feel almost imprisoned, like I should have done something today, something spontaneous and irreverent. I just couldn't find anything to satisfy that little kernel, the itch I couldn't scratch. I feel bothered and reckless and wild. I wanted a storm to match my interior, something unreckoned that I could dance in barefoot and fey. Lightning lighting the stage of the landscape, thunder the rhythm section to my impromptu session. I wanted to feel other than I am today. I wanted to slough off my skin, like a cocoon and emerge glorious and reborn, unfettered by doubt or thwarted hopes. I wanted to feel new and beautiful and irresistable. I wanted to be someone I have always been, and never was. To do insane little things that remind me that social rules are all well and good, but life is about coloring outside the lines. I was never much good at that in kindergarten. I remember wanting always to have the coolest coloring assignment, but I was always a lil wild with the crayons and inevitably had irregularities outside the lines. Some little rebellions, I suppose. And we were always told to stay inside the lines. Stay inside the lines. I learned that lesson so well, but like many things I learned and internalized I have rejected it, when it pleases me. I don't want a life inside the lines. I want to blur colors and textures, and see what that splash of color looks like over where some people are afraid to put it. I feel the need to color blindly, haphazardly, enjoy the modest rebellion of it all. Its not death defying, but it reminds me that I am alive, and life is not all color by number.
I don't want to be that person that lives vicariously, I need to get out more and remember to fill it up with more than just the basics. I want to surprise someone with a visit....shock someone with the truth, not watch my tongue because I am afraid of what will fall out of my head. Right now I am perfectly willing to shock and amaze and possibly appall. Where should I start?

Almost There

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 05:32:57 GMT

WOWSERS, what a ride its been. I think the last two weeks have been among the most stressful I have had in a while. Today was capped off with a visit with my regional director. My boss's boss. It actually went off really well, tho the stress level escalated. I did get a few projects assigned to me, but I find that to be a bit of a compliment. I don't think they would assign me projects if they didn't believe I could deliver, which I can. Was soo happy when the work day was over, tho. Soon everything wil be back to almost completely normal and I will breathe easier. Today was Aric and Anderson's 3 year anniversary. Congrats to them. For all the bickering that goes on between them I still feel envious of the fact they have that relationship with each other. Although I don't necessarily want to be with anyone, I still have that closet desire to be with that special person, share the best moments of my life with them. Even Natalie has reconnected with an old flame from highschool and is soo happy. It leaves this almost vacuum feeling inside me, like I need to fill the void. I look at my friends etc all paired up and feel envious. My friends, Brandon and Amy got engaged too. I was soo happy for them, but again another indication of the lack in my life. Kind of shining the spotlight as it were on my particular dissatisfaction with romantic relationships. I am so lucky in many ways that i feel selfish in really letting myself get so self involved with my needs and desires. Its not healthy to the state of my contentment.
As a work in progress, I need to not obsess over it. I need to get involved in something social, that involves being around other people wth similar interests. I have been pondering joining a theatre group or chorus. I miss that artistic part of my life. I need to get re involved with those aspects of myself that brought fulfilment in those ways. I think part of my self involvement springs from my need to reconnect with those aspects of my life. Life hit me with a big distraction and a much needed perspective change and helped me refocus on my life as it is, not as I dream of it being. I need to accept that as much as i would like to be able to affect some things and people in my life, I don't have that ability. And so i need to let circumstances happen as they will. I will do what I can, and let the universe sort out the rest.

I think I walk a thin edge, I keep my hopes up...but I try to not let fantasy carry me away.
.
On a random note, Pens have tied up the series and so its on to game 5....The wings need to go down!!!!

Listen to the universe, Part Deux

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 03:58:52 GMT

Again, thanks for the sign...I will try to keep that in mind and not lose perspective again so soon.

R

Vulnerability VIDBLOG

Mon, 25 May 2009 03:22:46 GMT

Starlight, Starbright, first Star I see tonight...

Mon, 25 May 2009 02:09:55 GMT

Wish I may, Wish I might,

Somethings are more important than others, and when shit happens you have to try the best you can to make the best of it. I hate not knowing, its the queasiest feeling in the world. In the grand scheme of things its not huge, but I need a lucky star. Send good Vibes and prayers and keep hope Alive...

I fall behind, to catch up to you

Thu, 14 May 2009 05:39:30 GMT

Ok, I haven't updated in my own words for about two weeks. I have been contemplating a few things recently. Mostly potential comings and goings. Well the big news is that Anderson got two high profile internships, one in Dallas and one in New York and starting in July he will be gone almost continuously until December. Which means Aric will be without him for most of that. Or will he? Aric has started a job search in Dallas, and has gotten two good interviews. They both joke (half seriously) that I should move with them when they go, if they go, on a permanent basis. Not really a plan for me, for although my feet get itchy on occasion I am in love with Austin.

I am also in love with Aric and Anderson. Platonically, of course. They are my family here. Other than John, they make up my touchstones. To tell the truth if they go, I am not sure how I will deal with it. My selfish side wants Aric to not get a job in Dallas, and for Anderson to not get a permanent position anywhere but here in Austin. But most of me wants for them to be happy, to succeed and do the amazing things I know they can do. However, thinking of not having them near me, hurts. We are planning a summer beach trip to South Padre next week, one of the last times we will all be together for a while. Its bittersweet, but I am sure we will enjoy it. But, the shadow of their leaving will linger in the background. But, hopefully it will be a small shadow in the grand scheme of things.

As far as potential comings, my friend SP is looking to relocate to a warmer clime. Austin is one potential area. I am unsure how things will fall out. He and I get along great, and I think he would fall in love with Austin too. He just graduated with a business degree and I am trying to help him in his job search. It would be amazing to have another close friend in Austin. Especially with the possible going of Aric and Anderson, it makes me happy to think that SP might live and work nearby. Do I honestly believe it will happen? Well, I am trying to keep my hope to a bare minimum. There are so many variables. And as awesome and fun it would be to have him here, I know there are many considerations that have to be made. I will hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Went to a Pool Party at Philip and Bryan's place. It was chill and mellow. It was nice seeing them again. We go in circles. We see each other over the summer and fall and kinda lose touch in the winter and spring. I need to work harder to even that out.

Summer is here and things are warming up. I am happy to see the warmth and ready to get my tan going. I am ready for fun with friends and hitting the water.

Today, I was reminded about the precious and transitory nature of life. The tragedies in our lives serve to remind us about what matters. I am thankful for all those people who are there for me, in all things great and small.

Great way to end the day, Pens Won in a total Blow OUT!!! Now if the Ducks will get their shite together and spank the Fuckin' Red Wings.
****************************************************************************************************************************************************
Chasing the wind at your back
stretching my hand out, in your wake
in your sleep
I fall behind, to catch up to you

You reinvent my wings
then scorch my back bare
glory blazing
I fall, to catch up to you

Kill

Wed, 13 May 2009 03:03:00 GMT

Well, you're just across the street;
Looks a mile to my feet;
I wanna go to you.
Funny how I'm nervous still,
I've always been the easy kill;
I guess I always will.

Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance,
Chance,
Chance?
Or only one way that it was always meant to be,
Be?
You kill me you always know the perfect thing to say,
Hey hey,
Hey hey.
I know what I should do but I just,
Can't walk,
Away.

I can picture your face well,
From the bar in my hotel.
I wish I'd go to you.
I pick up, put down the phone.
Like your favorite Heatmiser song goes,
It's just like being alone.

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain,
Vain.
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means,
Means.
You kill me, you've got some nerve but can't face your mistakes,
Hey hey,
Hey hey.
I know what I should do but I just, Can't turn,Away,
Away,
Away.

So go on, love,
Leave while there's still hope for escape.
You gotta take what you can these days;
There's so much ahead and,
So much regret.
I know what you wanna say,
I know what you wanna say,
I know it, but can't help feeling differently,
I loved you,
And I should have said it,
But tell me, just what has it ever meant?

I can't help it baby, this is who I am,
Am.
I'm sorry but I can't just go turn off how I feel,
Feel.
You kill me, you build me up,
But just to watch me break.
Hey hey,
Hey hey.
I know what I should do but I just,
Can't walk,Away....

Track In my Mind, 4 Minute Mile

Sat, 25 Apr 2009 01:54:32 GMT

I wondered today at work about a few things....it was rather random.I had been pondering on the recent stories about Jaheem Herrera. An 11 year old boy who apparently killed himself because he was being bullied and harassed at school because the bullying students thought he was gay. I have no words at the moment to express the pain I feel, or the memories it brings up. Mainly I mention it because no matter who you are, YOU and I have been Jaheem.

In our lives we have felt the shrinking of our self worth and questioned our worthiness when confronted by people with hurtful, stinging words, words purposefully meant to hurt . Constructed to take advantage of our frailties and insecurities, bullying and harassing language makes an impact .

Although perspectives are changing slowly, gay as a word is still thrown around casually as another word for bad, or uncool, or stupid, ugly, or a hundred other different negatives. With so much attention in the media over so called "gay rights", it highlights how we need to change the connotation of the word gay.

Gay is not a bad word. It is not an insult, or derogatory. It is just a word that has come to mean the inherent desire for one person to love and be sexually attracted to the person of the same sex.

Imperfect as we all are in our own way, we need to recognize the imperfection of others and forgive those imperfections as we forgive our own. Children emulate what they see us do, as parents , as teachers, as a society. It is our responsiblity to create a better place for all children, all people, where no matter if you love differently, look differently, act differently, you can find the acceptance and toleration which allows you to be who you are, without fear of reprisal or retaliation.

To be gay is to love, to be human, to be. These people being bullied and harassed and driven to suicide are our children , our brothers and sisters, who deserve to know that whomever they love or desire, they are still human and worthy of that same respect and love themselves.

****************************************************************************************************************************************************

What if the last words you said to someone WERE the last words you said to someone?

****************************************************************************************************************************************************
One of my fellow employees was explaining how he "got" the idea of homosexuality today. A little backstory, we work together a bit and when we do its really fun and random. We bring out the loco in each other, in that way when you totally get someone. Well today, he was talking about how we feed each others random and quirky nature. And then went on to say,, "I never got how people could be homosexual, but he (me) gets me, all the references and random stuff....no girl has ever done that..." I felt a little awkward at that point and complimented at the same time. I quickly pointed out that platonic friendships can happen on that level, homosexuality is more about desire to have an intimate relationship (including sexually) with the same sex, not just about that friendship chemistry. Tho honestly and hypothetically if he were gay, i think we would be interested in each other in that way. After all that kind of synch happens rarely as friends and more rarely as lovers.

*****************************************************************************************************************************************************

Personal to SFP- Congrats on Graduating!! Go conquer that World!!!

Cause It's easier thats why! (VIDBLOG)

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 05:43:11 GMT

Oh yeah sorry for chewing gum, I forgot to take it out, so it looks really classy!! LMAO

Here Comes Pedro Colita Algodon

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 05:38:21 GMT

It was pretty grey driving to my parents home for Easter. The whole trip was overcast and humid. I had planned to try and make it to the beach before going to their house but, as Aric had to work I had to make the trip solo. I actually had requested Thurs-Sunday off to spend some time with Aric and possibly Anderson at the beach. However, Aric's job had other plans which dont include Saturdays off for Managers anymore. I just took thursday and friday off to kind of unwind and prepare for the return of the prodigal, once again.

I did go to dinner with the boys to celebrate Anderson getting the exclusive internship in Dallas with the design company he had been hoping to land. He will be there five weeks and with any luck will land a job with them after he graduates. Aric decided its time to re- matriculate and is signed on to get another degree through online classes. Some very exciting starts for them i must admit. So we had some drinks and dinner and just kind of enjoyed being together for a bit.

***A note about plumbers crack, This is an aside that is pertinent because we were seated near the bar and so was a young man whose pants did not meet up with his shirt as he was sitting there. A good portion of cleft and cheek were showing and he didnt realize it. I would have thought the slight draft would have given it away. We couldn't stop snickering everytime we looked in that direction because the shadows made it look like he had a thong on under his outerwear. I tried to have Anderson get a picture with my camera phone but, sans flash, it didnt come out too well. The moral being, please make sure your pants come high enough or your shirt comes low enough to guarantee that you don't entertain three juvenile guys at dinner....Thank you, end PSA.***

I was putting off coming back to the Valley, mainly because it is kind of boring. I don't really have friends here and my parents are not tech saavy. I am writing this offline and with no WiFi available....:( I was pleasantly surprised to sit in my parents yard and just chat with my mom over a cup of coffee, and enjoy my nephews antics. My Dad was the same as always. My Mom managed to dislocate her shoulder a few days before, tho she probably hated going to the ER worse than anything else. My niece came in with some bead kit and was cutely making necklaces for all. My grandmother is doing better, no pneumonia traces and seemed more alert. My great aunt was also well.

I ended up spending a pleasant day with them, and only had to suffer thru 2 and a half hours of mass. Why you ask? Well although I no longer consider myself Catholic, I offered to take my Great Aunt to mass, as she does not drive. On the way there she asked me to stay with her. Now, this is one of the women that raised me, and she is like my grandmother in that respect. Seeing as how she has done so much for me in my life, I cannot refuse her anything. So I chaperoned her to mass, I even got dressed nicely. Unfortunately, the mass was the extra long edition and went on thru one adult baptism and 8 confirmations, a very surreal music selection and candles that would not stay lit. All in all, two and a half hours of pure awkwardness.

Woke up really early Easter morning, and kept an eye on the breakfast Mom put in the oven, and baked a cake. Drank too much coffee, and ate breakfast with the parents. Spent the rest of the day hiding Easter eggs and making food for the Family barbeque. The kiddles had two pinatas to break and many many eggs to find and crack, and the sun came out in abundance. I left sometime after we ate, and got waterlogged by the kiddles using the hose to wet each other down and swinging on the swing. It was a long long trip back, but I made it. Strangely enough there was a lot more nostalgia this time around, like I had time to notice the small things that I had missed last time around.

Like all the goofy pictures of me and my siblings and my parents...I will have to take my scanner with me next time because there is some vintage stuff out there I don't want to lose. Hope your Easter was joyous and full of love.

Interlude

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 18:11:30 GMT

Okay, got that out of the way...whew finally....i will try and catch up to current before the end of the week , with my recent beach mini vaca, and because undoubtedly I will have more to tell after going to see my family over easter....

El-train of love...

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 17:47:33 GMT

Well, I took Spring break off to return to Chicago for the third time in a year. I was really psyched to be going, the last couple of times left me feeling incredibly refreshed and relaxed. It is also good to see Natalie, she seems to have really grown into an independent woman in Chicago. I was looking forward to the experience of St. Paddy's day and the green river and the partying that would ensue.

Although I can have fun, I am not a big drinker most of the time, but I figured, why not , when you have the opportunity to enjoy something you will only experience once, most likely....

The week before I had met a new friend, C, who was visiting Austin with his chamber percussion group. And as it happened, he was originally from Chicago, so I had the opportunity while Nat was working on St. Paddy's, to hang with him. We ended up chilling out, I got to experience his percussion skills first hand, and we ended up running over to the house of one of his pool buddies, to pick up a free piano.

Now it was almost laughable, this piano looked like it had been built by Abraham Lincoln, and hadn't been tuned in ages. It sounded like a saloon piano. C, My friend, was too polite to not accept it, so he agreed to take it. It was a minor inconvenience. A bit comical in a (Laurel and Hardy sort of way) and by the time we had loaded it onto the truck for delivery to his studio, he was ready to take out the sound board and play it like a giant Dulcimer. Since his ensemble is progressive, it made for a great idea.

So, I was thinking of going out for a drink with C and his friends who helped us move the piano, but Natalie was off of work and we were going downtown. Needless to say, we had a great time. The river was green and the green beer was flowing. After a few (and by that I mean way too many) we ended up at a bar that had a mini scavenger hunt. Being too buzzed to refuse, I teamed up with some complete strangers to run around in the area looking for zany shit. It was hilarious to see a bunch of buzzed strangers trying to find random stuff amongst like six other teams of four. The prize was of course, free booze...so we were working hard as four drunken sailors on the third night of a four day shore leave. After a bit of stumbling and getting lost we finally tracked down most of the items on the list and raced back to see if we were first. Race being more of my description of the staggering lurch all four of us were managing. Upon arriving back to the pub, we were followed by another group who had finished their list too. So, the bartender in charge says "one last item for st. paddy's one of your team has to show they are wearing green underwear." There was a scramble, as we all found out none of us were wearing green underwear....so being drunk I kind of started asking people if they had green underwear and if they were willing to trade. Finally, next door there was a girl who was decked out in all the green st. paddys clothes and she had green undies on. She also was not a small girl, I quickly and with a lil slurring managed to explain that I needed her panties. It was a very sixteen candles kind of moment. I had to assure her I was gay and just wanted to win. And I offered her 20 bucks. Needless to say 10 minutes later I was back at the other bar, went up to the bartender and showed him the undies.

"Someone in the group has to be wearing them."

Ok, give me a break, I was drunk and can be very competitive!!!

I ended up ducking into the bathroom, where a bunch of drunken guys were hooting and hollering as I tried to squeeze myself into a pair of green panties with a shamrock on the ass. Tho the girl was not small, i still am not girl sized, unless you count bull dykes as girls. But, even drunk and teetering I got them on and managed to shimmy out to the bartender and show the shamrock, as it were. The bar actually went crazy laughing and applauding, I managed not to pass out from embarassment, my team won and we got a free bottle of irish whiskey. I found them the next day. The underwear girl made it to my unveiling and laughed soo hard, she said forget the $20, I bought her a drink instead. I remember bits and pieces of the rest of the night, tho I am pretty sure at one point I gave back the shamrock panties, For a while I lost my own underwear. I woke up wearing my jeans with no underwear and I found them wadded in my pocket the next day.

So, that was my St. Paddy's. I spent the next day recovering and just taking it easy. Unfortunately, early in the afternoon Natalie returned to the flat very upset. She had been laid off. Apparently, since she was earning the most of the newest hires they scaled back her job. But, the clinic wasin general in a bad way. So, after spending the day consoling and trying to stay positive we decided to just have a relaxing and fun time the rest of my stay.

We ended up going to the Japanese Market Mitsuwa, which was soo awesome. A Japanese food court, bookstore and grocery/department store all in one. We pigged out on fresh baked Japanese anpan, nikuman, and pastry and just spent some time chilling.

Next day, we headed downtown, and after having a traditional xmas adwenture (getting lost) we grabbed some Garrett's Chicago mix popcorn...for those of you that don't know it is a mix of cheddar and carmel corn...sounds not so tasty but, is AMAZING. It leaves your fingers greasy and is savory and sweet in just the right mix. It is of T3H hotness. We swung by the library to see the architecture and grabbed some tasty sushi and a fabulous coconut bubble smoothie.

The rest of the week, we just did domestic things and enjoyed each others company, geeked out and made plans as far as her employment.

So, it was an up and down trip. Mostly up, the only down being the laying off of Nat. Definitely had a great time otherwise and got to meet some interesting people, some of whom I can't remember too clearly.

Coming home was hard to do, but also was not as wrenching as in prior trips....

Jeebuz forgive the Lazy....

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 05:58:12 GMT

I willlll absolutely update about my trip tomorrow....I have been distracted by work and cleaning the house. Meanwhile my room needs some desperate attention and I need to start to clear my headspace to prep for the summer and visiting the beach and my family for Easter. I really really want to hit the beach but wonder how bad it will be. Meanwhile I need to get a haircut and buy some new trunks. *Also need to manscape a lil. Sorry TMI it was just running through my head and my ummm undercarriage is itching cuz of the regrowth.* Ok this entry is short so that I can assuage a lil guilt for not getting to the posts like I promised myself I would. Also I have some Ideas I have been kicking about that I will also post, possibly in video blog form. Just a teaser... St. Paddy's involved Chicago of course, the green river, randomly moving a piano, drunken revelry and a story about a crazy underwear exchange (and other things) for to win free drinks.
See ya in about 24....

And now for something completely different...

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 02:58:41 GMT

Will fill in with Vacation tidings with the next entry....for now enjoy this random musing I had during my Chicago-a-go-go....:)

     This is a random insert I guess, its a casual chill out night here on my vacation in Chicago and I was pondering about relationships. I was washing dishes and cleaning the kitchen for Natalie today as a kind of thanks for the hospitality she has shown me yet again. And I think of how much I love her. I love her now more than I did when we were married. Its not really a romantic love definitely more platonic, but she is one of the most important people in my life. I can't help but think how real love, no matter the form it comes in, is a constant struggle. You have to be willing to compromise in every way, shape, and form. Ultimately if you really love the person, despite the frustrations and little upheavals they cause in your life, you learn to lose your ego and accept them fully and if you are lucky, they do the same for you. No matter how much you love someone, it can be difficult to love them at all times. It seems that the real love happens when its hardest to accomplish. It can be the failure of our selves at these difficult times to reach deep and find that love. We have all failed in these times, but the redemption is finding that love again, eventually.

     Love that has not been tested or strained is shallow and without depth. To know real love is to know suffering because of the love, or your loved one. Love endures and endures. Natalie and I have come through some serious emotional trauma and life circumstances and found the love is still there, tho definitely transformed. Likewise with my other friends, I think that at some time with any of my real close friends I could have found a soul that would have meshed well with mine. I first loved my best friend in high school Tricia, who is still one of my dearest friends. So much of who we are is built on a feeling that we are connected in an inordinate way. This was what led us to feel deeply for each other and caused me to fall in love as an adult for the first time. The same kind of feeling happened with Aric soo long ago. It was originally being so close to a guy friend for the first time, and tho it was more along the lines of a crush, it was through that experience I learned that some aspects of my personality resonate more with people I can be close to or to whom i feel I share a connection on more than a superficial level. In that vein it seems to continue to this day.

      They say opposites attract but, I think that although as different people there will always be variety in any relationship, it is vitally important to feel the connection and have some integral points mesh. I have dated a bit, and although many of the guys have been attractive, likeable and intelligent without that connection, I guess some call it chemistry, it feels a little flat as far as a romantic connection goes. When you are with someone that makes you feel like you have known them all your life, or that makes you feel at home and more comfortable in your own skin than you might ever have been, then you have found that special person. That can mean different things for different people, but for me its a feeling of naturalness, and a lack of artifice. Almost effortless connection, and that out of breath, heart racing feeling everytime you interact.It is also the gentle sigh of breath as you look at someone you understand so well, that you could almost breathe for them. The tenderness and warmth of an abiding love that has a resolve that will last a lifetime. The crazy laughter that comes with no need for words as paired minds share the same path. Being consoled in the shelter of arms that share your pain and support you and help to hold you together as you fall apart. In this moment of enlightenment, what am I compared to these loves? Loves that are mine because, I am theirs. The real thing I have realized is that I lack nothing, sharing the lives and love of all the people that I call friends and family.

Namaste...Arigato Gozaimasu Kannon-sama

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 05:41:07 GMT

Sometimes the smallest things can resonate and make the biggest differences. Meditating a bit lately, trying to work on freedom from my desires. My bodhisattva of choice is Guan-yin, or Kannon in japanese. Just Sunday I had that epiphany, the moment of enlightenment and I feel like I have overcome that desire I have been struggling with for so long. It is weird how a different perspective changed the paradigm. I have not replaced the feeling with another, I just feel like I just been emancipated from an obstacle that kept me from being content. It was like a deep moment of pain right before bed as i was obsessing, and then i woke up the next day feeling more light and at peace than I have been in forever.

I am way ready for my vacation, would be great to relax and not have anything to stress about for a week. Ohhh yeah, while I was busy NOT blogging I got a new piercing. I got another cartilage pierce just above the first one. K was finished with her shift and wanted another one, she has like 8...I just kind of went with it and decided to go with her and get a new piercing too. It was fun.

Sick...on many levels

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 04:51:01 GMT

Pulled the flu out of thin air this week, and tho I am rarely sick this one threw me for a loop. I had to skip out of work early Friday and used sick time Saturday. I spent the time in bed, trying to rest and hepped up on NyQuil. I watched many TCM movies, so that was one of the positives of the whole experience.

Cliche as it seems, I hate getting sick, probably because it happens to me so rarely. I hate not being able to breathe and coughing like an invalid. A premature vision of our bodies eventual betrayal and aging.

John got back from vacation yesterday and he seemed a lot more relaxed. It did him a world of good to get away. I need to do the same. Next week I will return to Chicago, again. And, this time I am going to try and let it all go. I will forget all the shite, leave it behind and have as much FUN as I can. I need a mental vacation for damn sure, and if I can get a massage etc a spa day would be ideal. I can't wait to see some old friends I connected with on Facebook. Natalie too of course.

I need more discipline otherwise. Am trying to call my parents every week now that we have had a reunion. And keep up with my sister. I am starting to get what all those cliches about family really mean.

I took on this celibacy thing to try and get some focus back in my life, and I think it has worked out pretty well. I finally think I know what I really want. I am going to enjoy Chicago, then when I get back I will decide whether I need more alone time, or whether I am ready to move on to something new.

Reality checks are a bitch....but the pain is a good teacher. Its like life flicking me on the nose and saying "HELLO!?!?! When will you learn this lesson?" I keep the prayer beads on all the time, so that I can try and check myself, 'fore I wreck myself. It wouldn't hurt as much if I could follow my own advice and let go of desire. What a hard thing to do, specifically.

I am however, spankin' Aric level-wise currently...hehehe. And despite his worrying, the job and intern offers are pouring in for Anderson.

In some respects, 2009 seems to be the year I will remember as being a year of new beginnings for me.

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 04:33:18 GMT

Despite my good intention
I beat at my own reflection
funny how we never mention
the points of tension

and still I come back
to this heart attack
waiting for the glass to crack
seeing everything I lack

can't say you lie
your silence sly
and makes me cry
when will love die

and still I come back
to this heart attack
waiting for the glass to crack
seeing everything I lack

you have me
but set me free
we can't agree
on what we are...

...Where My Love Lies Waiting Silently for Me

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 05:53:20 GMT

As is blatantly obvious I didn't do much updating in February, and it is probably the month I had the most interesting things to blog about. Talk about having your priorities reversed. LOL so anyone who actually reads this, I apologize for my lack of attention, but I definitely have had some serious distractions.

So when we last left, I had kept a technical hold on my celibacy streak. Debatable, but I still am chalking it up as a win in my book. I am trying to settle into a friend relationship with that old flame. February came and me and he are chatting again, texting and occasionally calling (ongoing). And its crazy how happy that makes me, just that small message (almost) daily. Unfortunately, I let the spark re-ignite and its hard to tamp back down and just be friends but I am working hard at being as casual as a regular friend can be. It is one of the most difficult things I do. A good friend is better than a dream lover and in reality I don't want a reflection of my desire. And by that, I mean my desire reflected back at me with no reciprocation. So being who I am, I am trying not to get entangled in emotions that potentially have no outlet. I admitted to Aric that I was talking to him again. He was pretty amused and concerned but, he knows I am an adult. I think Anderson would be much more disapproving, after all it was with him that I poured out the pain and cried with, the last time. I have to remember that desire leads to unhappiness, and try and remember the Four Noble Truths. I constantly remind myself that I have to lose my desire, because currently THAT desire overwhelms me. K brought me a prayer bead bracelet from Korea, and I have been using that to try and center myself and as a reminder of emancipating my desires, particularly that one. I want to be a good friend, and not overstep the boundaries because it's just me that gets hurt. And hurt is not where I want to be. What happens, happens but I will not force any issues, I will however be the best friend I can be. So, that was one part of the distraction of February.

On another front, (and the second distraction)I met up for coffee with a sweet guy. And although he is very smart and cute and likeable...I don't think we would be more than friends. Some serious perspective differences and world views. Plus, I said I would never date another smoker, or someone who didn't enjoy reading, at least a little. I did go out on Friday the 13th to a Bear Dance at RCC with him and John, my roommate. John definitely was not comfortable and left early. We stayed on for a bit, but I kind of wanted to dance and the DJ was not very good. It was a bit of a strained evening. Tho I did finally meet another friend in person, which was very cool. I also saw B&P and P was sick, apparently. But, I think he is somehow miffed at me. Couldn't say why i feel that way, but thats the sense I got. I like them and am sorry we don't hang out as much, but I think what little scene I got into with them was not my thing. Style is great but I want a little substance to back it up. Needless to say, I think I have made a new friend and that's never a bad thing.

On the old friend front, Anderson finally qualified for coverage under Aric's insurance. And what a huge step for them, it involved joint accounts, etc. lots of legal stuff. He immediately went to see a psychiatrist for the mood swings, because I had told him he seemed a bit bipolar. A great assessement it turns out, bourne out by the psychiatrist. They are working on finding the right mood stabilizers for him. I am proud of him for taking that step. He is also so stressed by school, lots on his plate. And on top of that he won a design competition and one of his classroom design projects will actually be built!

Aric has been geeking it up with me on WoW. LOL we are gaming together again, after a fashion. He continues to be like my brother. I am amazed we have known each other soo long.

John is finally going on vacation. He is taking a cruise with his mama. He is stressed out by work and works damn hard all the time. He, like me rarely takes a "real" vacation. Also, he really worries and overthinks a lot of the time. And he is soo a mom to his friends, which adds to the stress. I hope he can just leave it all behind for a week, and really enjoy himself. I am happy that he is going out of the house for his vacation too.

Possibly the Numero Uno distraction--About three weeks ago I was chilling at the house when I noticed I had missed calls and texts from both Anderson and Aric. I normally shut off the ringer at work for professionalism's sake. I had forgotten to turn it back on. The texts were a little frantic and so naturally I called back. Just a mysterious "we are on our way" greeted my answering text. Thinking something was really wrong I got worried. So I was a bit shocked when an SUV appeared in my driveway. Who should appear, but my oldest sister....I was floored. To say the least. In Tow her husband, my nephews and a niece I had never met.

She came looking for me and found Aric (with whom I used to live) and they brought her to my door. She was tearful and happy to know i wasn't dead. I was amazed and tearful myself, i never felt close to my family, parents or sibs. She admitted she thought she was the black sheep, and i had that moment of enlightenment. It is not always just about me, I never stopped to consider that anyone else could feel that way in my family. It was a huge epiphany. I promised to come home soon, and that is what I did.

A little Background: My mother has supreme selective memory, o'erweening pride and the need to be right all the time, all traits I have inherited to a greater or lesser degree, but am learning to curb (at least I hope). We tended to both like to get the last word and seeing as there is usually only one last word, someone always lost. (Usually me, because lets face it when you are a kid or teen, you don't have the capital to back up any threats.) However the last time we talked, She got angry and told me to not bother communicating with her. So, I hung up the phone and hadn't talked to her in about 5 years. What cemented my anger was an incident when my dad got bitten by a poisonous spider and was in the hospital. She forbade anyone from calling and telling me, luckily my sister did anyway. I got very angry at this and after calling my dad to make sure he was okay, I cut all ties. My worst guilt is all these years i didn't see my grandmother or great aunt.

So, Aric volunteers to come home with me, seeing as how he is from the same area,and because he is a great friend. I am apprehensive, tho my sister assures me i wont have to see my mom if i don't want to. Aric and I go to dinner with her, and we are connecting like adult friends. And I am amazed how wililngness on both our parts can make things so easy. She admits she is thinking about divorce and asks if I found it hard. I had it easy, I didn't have children. We are all laughing and sharing and i feel like I may be have a home with my sister after all. She tells me we she and her family are having a barbeque and can my mother come?
I decide that Ineed to be mature and adult and try to mend all fences. I agree.

On a side note, I toured my old neighborhood etc, and am amazed at the duality of my old home. Anything a little old is in disrepair and looks shabby, and then right next to it is a new building, so new and cookie cutter it almost hurts. I feel the sadness of not really recognizing where i grew up, its changed, either become derelict or swept under the new ugliness of progress. It was melancholy.

So, we come to the barbeque armed with liquor and pastry (a good guest brings a little something). Armed with the kids we troop over to my moms house. (Did I mention she lives in the same neighborhood with my sister and is like four doors down?) I enter the house and see my Dad. He looks up and he greets me, like I have never been gone. Thats my dad, somethings are just the way they are, and we move on, I get that from him too. I go in and see my Grandmother and Great Aunt. It is possibly the most emotional moment of my trip, I feel the guilt, until they smile and hug me and are just happy to see me. No recrimination, no anger, just joy. Then my Mom entered the room, and my Anger just radiated, making my skin feel to tight, and my face burned. Needless to say I kinda lost it, and we started yelling. It felt good to let it all out. And of course she didn't remember any slight or any of her part in the arguments. I hadn't expected her to change( well maybe a tiny bit) and she hadn't. But, I think now as an adult I can be objective, and try and leave the childish parts of my personality behind. We had it out, with the help of my sister and father we managed to find a happy medium. I think.

MY other sister Patty was not so forgiving. She has always gone through life like someone pissed in her post toasties. Her anger is currently directed at me. I can't say why for certain. It isn't for her sake. We were never close, and I can't see that changing. I think its probably on behalf of my grandmother and Great Aunt. If that's the case, she needn't bother...I am make myself feel guiltier than she ever could. She actually was going to skip the barbeque, but my dad called and basically ordered her to come. She spoke not a word to me, tho I got some serious chuckles while my nephew Jacob called her "Ugly Betty". He is such a clown and had a semi death wish to call her that....My brother is working on his PhD at College station so no gauge to his reaction as of yet. Mom says he is angry too, but he never held a grudge like the rest of us could. I will see how that goes come Easter, I have been invited back and will actually go back.

It was surreal to see my nephew Omar grown into a pre-preteen. Jacob who I last saw in diapers and new born is now a funny, charming kid. My niece Cassie is adorable, a total princess, and spoiled. But the most spoilable darling you can imagine.

All in all the whole thing was emotionally exhausting and probably the final chapter of my adolescence.

Does that count or do i get a do over?

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 22:06:18 GMT

So, I have had a relaxing couple of days off. Things are going ok for the most part. I keep getting more and more comfortable with my self imposed chastity. Thooooo....I have a sort of pondering? Have I broken down if i engage in any kind of sexual activity with someone else?
I mean i can understand the Clinton definition of sex as only genital coitus to be ridiculous. Oral sex, sex in which you touch another is still sex with another. So, what is the dividing line? If for example to pull an example out of thin air, Someone engages in mutual masturbation in a vid cam situation is that sex? I guess if you have to ask, it counts huh? I guess I am not all that strong...tho extenuating circumstances were in play. My will is weak when it comes to certain things. Maybe I need to work on those areas. Well, falling off the horse does not mean not getting back on.

As good as it feels, I also feel guilty. Not for breaking my self imposed chaste streak, but because if its sex, and i have established that it is, then i facilitated a dishonest act. I shared that kind of intimate moment with someone I know is in a relationship. Now, some people will argue that if it was not touching, we weren't physically in the same room then its just fantasy, like porn. And it is in a way. But, if I put myself in another perspective, would i be hurt and betrayed if I caught my boyfriend (hypothetically speaking, people) doing what I had done with someone on the other end of an internet camera? Maybe I am making too much of it. I am single and have no obligations except to myself. I don't have knowledge of what is allowed in this other relationship. Maybe for them, that kind of thing is within bounds. And the truth of it is, my guilt is more academic than actual. My desire overwhelmed my reason. Not a typical reaction for me, I try and keep things very rational. Not surprising that overturning that part of my personality, you find all that chaos of emotion.

For all the experiences and "experience" I have, I still get reduced to a child, or an unsophisticated idiot by my turncoat emotions.

In the last couple of days I have been watching TCM, they are having their salute to Oscar month. Loving classic movies as I do, I have been drawn in to those beautiful silver dreams. I wonder what life would be like in silver nitrate. Swelling music perfectly scoring our lives, and love lost and found in the turning of a corner in everyday life. To have things turn out perfectly by the closing credits. It makes me melancholy and actual makes me feel strong. You can learn alot from old movies. They are a form of delivering messages about what we choose to do in our lives. The current message I keep hearing, Do I settle for less and, in what areas of my life do I settle for that much less?

I think I have decided that I can be passive and let things happen to me, or I can take a more active role. I can choose to not negotiate in certain areas of my life, and go after what I want....Perhaps, I have never wanted anything enough before.

Freaked Out 'Nomics (VIDBLOG)

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 05:42:41 GMT

To borrow a clever line from The Daily Show...This one is about work. Truly many of us are running scared as far as what the economic turn is doing to our livelihoods. The Economy needs serious stimulation....like the economic answer to the "dolphin" or "bunny". Problem is its hard to find that ever elusive economic "G"-spot. Let we who still have jobs be thankful....And let the choir say "AMEN"
Geez, I wear that blue shirt around the house a lot...I need a better blog wardrobe person :P

Happy Year of the Ox!!!! (VIDBLOG)

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 22:28:24 GMT

So, I am going to write some shite today too, new vid blog beneath....Its not really very good, kind of a recap of all the stuff i missed in the last ten days. Its the Lunar new year which means all you Oxen out there turn, 12, 24, 36, 48, 60, 72, 84, 96, and possibly 108 and 120. I am a Dragon so I dont get my turn again for another four years, tho i see a trend in the fact that I get along really well with Ox folk. Ahhh well, here is the vid blog

"You keep me without chains" (VIDBLOG)

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 07:54:49 GMT